The second

Well, I said I was gonna do a big update on the whole Kim'n'me thing, and I guess this'll be it.

The past two months have been *really* cyclical. We'd be ok for a few days, then I'd get depressed and we'd have a few days being awkward (her probably more upset/pissed off than awkward, but hey), then we'd have another chat and things'd be good again.


After watching Garden State last friday, I had a really deep think about stuff, and something Dave said to me suddenly made a lot more sense. I realised that I can't help the way I feel, and trying to repress those emotions, or trying to stop making myself feel a certain way is only going to cause me more problems.
I realised that I love Kim. I really do. More than I had ever realised. Those are my emotions, that's the way I'm feeling, and there is very little I can do about it. By accepting that, I've become happier in *myself*. Yes, there's still gonna be a whole shedload of pain and hurt to come, but I'm if I'm happy with myself and "at peace" with my own emotions, then it's gonna help slightly.

I talked about this to Kim on Sunday, and basically said that regardless of her actions and thoughts, this was what I felt. And things were better.

Wednesday I had another of the me-getting-depreesed episodes, which ended in a talk with Kim that really rather crushed me.

I don't know why I'm finding it so hard to give her time and space, so hard to get over her. Seriously, I can't stop thinking about her.
And now, she's almost certainly with Alex.

I can't help feeling like I've lost the most important thing I've ever had in my life.

First of several posts.

Well, it's been a week since my last update, and it's been once more very up'n'down. Went to Folkestone on weds and thurs last week to do KITC with Lucy, which went fairly well... Saw Ben briefly too, which was cool. Friday involved m00ching and Garden State at Piggehs, which was veeeery good. Awesome film, made me think quite a bit about stuffs.

Saturday, I went out to Lakeside with Mike, and ended up buying lots of shiny things, including this. Spent loads, but it was worth it. Headed back to DBS in the evening, and had a great night watching eurovision with people.
Woke up early again on Sunday and headed off to Ashford to watch Kingdom of Heaven and Star Wars III : Revenge of the Sith. Kingdom of Heaven was really good, in my opinion, but other thought it sucked. Star Wars, though, was *excellent*. Veeeeeery good.

Had a good chat with Kim on the way back from that, and after swinging by the pub to celebrate Dan's b'day, went back to DBS to have more of a chat with Kim... more on that later. Got a load of stuff off my chest, and sorted out (or so I thought) a whole load of stuff.

Monday involved lazing about doing nothing much again (swimming and Nandos in the afternoon), and Tuesday was spent on campus in various meetings. Went to LQ in the evening and came first again \o/ Watched the last 3 episodes of 24 too (sooooooo good!) before going to bed.
Yesterday was our last exam, and it was fairly pants, but I think I did ok in it. After that, things started going downhill, and ended up in a massive slump around 6, and decided to go home; Had something of a chat with Kim as I was leaving, which really didn't help me much at all.

I met Anna, a housemate of mine from last year at the bus stop, and so went to KBar instead of going home, and had a really good chat about stuffs, reminiscing lots about last year... Was going to head into town with her, but bumped into Syn, Ozzit, Mike, Piggeh, Bel and others at the campus shop, and decided to go drinking with Syn and Chris... best decision in quite a while.

Had an utterly awesome night, with some highly amusing photos; Cheers to Syn, Chris, Seb, Deeps et al for that. Helped take my mind of things, and was generally utterly amazing.

Will have to have something of a caption competition with some of those photos, methinks.


I woke up today at 8am, despite only getting home and into bed at 3, still fairly drunk, which has lead to this day being reeeeeally wierd, surreal and disjointed. Plus, I managed to upset Kim. I'm such a disaster.
Spent the morning/early afternoon lying on the grass in the cathedral grounds with Kirbeh, and now I shall play Guild Wars until it's time to eat at Supernoodles. rawk.

Tomorrow, I'm off to Folkestone again to present a quote on behalf of KITC. Yay me. I could reeeeally do with some time off now that the exams have finished just to sit back and relax, but between Kim and KITC, I really don't think that's gonna happen -_-

Hmmmm

So I bought Guild Wars on Sunday, and I've been playing it rather too much. S'quite addictive, and it's so easy to lose track of time whilst playing. Nice distraction from life, if nothing else :D

Monday was mooching, reading and playing guild wars, before swimming in the afternoon. Went to Chris' with Wendy via Sainsburies, where we picked up a whole load of food to cook at Chris'. Was a really nice evening in, with muchos good food and a fairly amusing movie (National Treasure; good, once you can get past the glaring inconsistencies and lack of correlation with history).

Got up early this morning for a meeting about my placement next year, and was supposed to go to Folkestone to work on a KITC contract after that, but it got cancelled, so I played Guild Wars all afternoon instead \o/
Went Lazerquesting around 7 (4th and 2nd out of 37ish... not as good as I used to be), followed by a nice evening at the Dolphin. Played Alex at chess which resulted in a stalemate, and had a good chat with Syn.

And Kim was as gorgeous as ever tonight. Still, I'm doing my best now to try and leave her alone as much as possible, and whilst it hurts like hell at the moment, I think it may help. Only time will tell, I guess.


Now, to bed, for I'm off to Folkestone in the morning instead.

*adds sitting in the sun in the cathedral grounds, listening to the choir inside sing, to the list of things that calm me down*


And I just bought GuildWars too. I can feel my life slipping away already.

So, drinking a whole bottle of Southern Comfort may not have been such a good idea. Wasn't really the comfort I needed, unfortunately.

Yesterday was spent revising on campus, then at DBS, after which I watched Swordsman 2 with Kim. Had something of a chat two, and thought things were ok.

Exam this morning at 9, went fairly well; skipped one whole question, but hacked out enough stuff for the rest.

And enter d00m.

Spent all afternoon at woodies, reading and working myself into a bigger and bigger pit. It's no ones fault but my own, and I was dealing with it ok, until we went to DBS via Sainsburies and picked up alcohol. Drink is baaaaad, m'kay?

Anywho. No ones fault but my own, working myself into a depression (hey, s'what alcohol is, right? A depressant?), and generally ending up highly bastard like. So yes, the bottle (and yes, I finished the whole bottle, plus two tequila shots) of whiskey wasn't so good.



Nothing much in here, really, just an attempt at explaining myself... It's really stupid. I had myself all sorted out, but I guess that I didn't. I feel so responsible for fucking everything up for people I feel like so much is my fault, even if it isn't.
It's when I think about how much I miss her that it gets to me. A vicious circle, spiralling endlessly downwards. And if only it were easy to forget about her, to not think about her. I don't want to go away, and I don't want her to go away; doing so would make me feel even worse. And it was only so bad today because I went and got myself drunk.

I feel like I'm estranging everyone, especially her, and that really hurts me.
People keep telling me that it'll get better, and that eventually the hurt will go away, but that doesn't stop me from missing her, from loving her. I feel like a chunk of me is missing, and I'm doing my godammed best to try and ignore it and move on, for her sake.




I wish I wasn't so weak, I wish I could deal with this, I wish I wasn't so paranoid.

Feeling a bit better.

Woke up this morning feeling absolutely crap, but managed to drag myself out of bed and into a shower, before settling down to some revision.
Networks has actually made much more sense to me today than it has ever done before; This is quite possibly because today is the first time I've looked at most of the material I'm supposed to know properly. Anyhow, it's left me feeling good about the exam tomorrow.

I managed to forget about things again this evening by going up to campus and playing in an Exalted game; I generated a kickass character that's kinda a cross between Legolas and Sephiroth; I'm d00m with a bow, and have a mahoosive katana. Rock.


I'm still hurting oh so much, but I'm trying to let it get to me as little as possible, and being around people seems to be working somewhat. Trying to sleep is the worst bit though, and my dreams haunt me.



Still, my philosophy is (and I don't know whay I forgot this recently) "What doesn't kill me only makes me stronger". So I guess I've just got to keep myself alive over the next month or so.

My last post my have come across as being harsh towards Kim, and I apologise for that; Kim's going through as much, if not more, crap as I am at the moment. So *hugs* for her.


I will be strong, I will surivie, I will get through this.




P.S. Oooh, I also had something of a diversion this afternoon with Bryce; Made myself a landscape and rendered it, before making a short little animation out of it. Time and bandwidth permitting, I'll get it online tomorrow so you can all laugh at it :p (Anyone know a good way to compress/convert uncompressed avi's into something more manageable?)

Well, what have we here? Another update?! Surely not!

Yesterday was fun, lazing about all day (and not doing Algorithms revision), followed by Curry with Jo, Piglet, Becky, Wendy, Syn, Nick, Matt and Mike. Some of us went to the Dolphin after that (mmmm, cherry wine), and then I headed home to watch xXx2. A surprisingly good movie.

Woke up today and headed up to campus for some last minute revision, followed by the Algorithms exam at 2. Was so much worse than I thought it would be, will be lucky to scrape a pass. Went to K-Bar for drinks afterwards, followed by BOGOF at Nandos (two whole meals for meeeee \o/) followed by a great evening at the Dolphin. Thanks to everyone for a great night out :)
Headed back to DBS for some Mario Kart afterwards, and now I shall sleep.





Hope. It is the quintessential human delusion, simultaneously the source of greatest strength, and greatest weakness.

A long and rambling entry

Seing as how I haven't updated properly in 4-5 months, I thought I'd give a bit of a gigantic update on stuff.


Uni
----
Good. Exams at the moment (3 down, 4 to go), and although I'm not doing as well as I want to, they seem to be going ok. Didn't actually go to all that many lectures over the past term, which is prolly why I'm not foing as well as I could be.

Next Year
----------
Sun Microsystems in California have finally got around to offering me an internship there, so I'll be spending the next year or so out in the States, working. Bit nervous about it, but also looking forwards to it quite a bit.

Other Stuff
------------
I've been up to quite a lot of stuff over the past 4 months; suffice it to say that it's been up and down (mostly up, to be honest), but that I've had some of the best times so far. *hugs all his Uni friends*.
The past few weeks (especially the last few days) have been very rough for me, but I think I've finally managed to set things straight with those involved; S'not gonna be plain sailing by any means, but hopefully it won't involve me having another breakdown \o/


Today was my Operating Systems lecture, and it took place at 0930... a completely unearthly hour. Went to origins for drinks and pool afterwards with people, followed by DBS for the rest of the afternoon/evening. It's been very chilled, very relaxed, and I feel so much better for it.

So yes. Hopefully I'll get back into the hang of updating this thing regularly, not only with my journal, but my thoughts and ideas too.