The second

Well, I said I was gonna do a big update on the whole Kim'n'me thing, and I guess this'll be it.

The past two months have been *really* cyclical. We'd be ok for a few days, then I'd get depressed and we'd have a few days being awkward (her probably more upset/pissed off than awkward, but hey), then we'd have another chat and things'd be good again.


After watching Garden State last friday, I had a really deep think about stuff, and something Dave said to me suddenly made a lot more sense. I realised that I can't help the way I feel, and trying to repress those emotions, or trying to stop making myself feel a certain way is only going to cause me more problems.
I realised that I love Kim. I really do. More than I had ever realised. Those are my emotions, that's the way I'm feeling, and there is very little I can do about it. By accepting that, I've become happier in *myself*. Yes, there's still gonna be a whole shedload of pain and hurt to come, but I'm if I'm happy with myself and "at peace" with my own emotions, then it's gonna help slightly.

I talked about this to Kim on Sunday, and basically said that regardless of her actions and thoughts, this was what I felt. And things were better.

Wednesday I had another of the me-getting-depreesed episodes, which ended in a talk with Kim that really rather crushed me.

I don't know why I'm finding it so hard to give her time and space, so hard to get over her. Seriously, I can't stop thinking about her.
And now, she's almost certainly with Alex.

I can't help feeling like I've lost the most important thing I've ever had in my life.